The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.