The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.