God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
