between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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