i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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