btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
