Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
