Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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