so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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