he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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