apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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