I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
