I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize