remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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