matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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