dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize
