Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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