Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
It was confusing and full of hummus
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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