He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
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