I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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