If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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