It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
