i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
