Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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