i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
