FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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