i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
