I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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