do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Your shirt... Was in my pants
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
