Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
