so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
