census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
