I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
How's work?
Spinning.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
