bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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