Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
