You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
