How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
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What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
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I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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