Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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