Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
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I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
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Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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