I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
