Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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