Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
