My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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