you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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