got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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