My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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