Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
