I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
