Plan B is the new Plan A
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
