I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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