Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
