Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
