im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
