It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
