First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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