Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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